Selfish
–adjective
1. devoted to or caring only for oneself; concerned primarily with one's own interests, benefits, welfare, etc., regardless of others.
2. characterized by or manifesting concern or care only for oneself.

I just realised something today:

What exactly is being selfish like?
Is it doing something you wanna do and not being affected by the persuasions or feelings of others? Or is it expecting somebody to do something just because you wanna do something for yourself, or rather for the whole class. Is being selfish seeking the cooperation of others due to teamwork? Or is it expecting people to sacrifice because you need them to make up the team? Is being selfish backing out because you know the team won't win the race even if they were to participate, and so you shan't waste your time, your energy, your sweat just to run a losing race?
What exactly is the true definition of selfish?

'It's my life. So just live it the way you want to. Don't let anybody influence your decisions.' Is this being selfish? Or is it encourgaging somebody to have confidence in themselves?

What about 'Majority wins.' Is this selfish? Is it forcing the majority's opinions on the minority? Or is it being democratic?

It's so weird realising all these.



I uddenly just can't help feeling sorry for my class. Can anybody please imagine how pathetic it is not being able to come out with 8 people just to run the semis in a class of 23? & I remember somebody saying that only 2% of the whole population wants to succeed. That means they will try to win, and not sit there and look at people participating in the race. So I guess, the 2% of the population does not apply to my class in sports.

I swear, this post is not directed to anybody. I just realised that the world is getting so _________. God, I dunno. So irritating. Maybe even me. That might be why I was so crushed -& I'm still feeling damn horrible- about screwing the heats. I totally know that I can make it to the school finals lor. But what I thought would be the last event I'd ever be running, became my last race. And it wasn't a beautiful race. It was a total disappointment kinda race. What kinda bullshit is this supposed to be.

Yet all the supposed friends I thought we all had, were just friends. They aren't the friends kinda friends. They are the friends kinda friends. I feel so out of place here. It's like I don't fit in at all. My thoughts, my opinions, my interests, me. All of a sudden, I just kept thinking that everybody around me are all so superficial. I dunno if superficial is the right word to this. But it kinda feels that way. It's like it's obvious somebody heard me talking, yet nobody talked back. It's as though they're just pretending that they didn't hear me.

I guess now my only best friend in tpj happens to be my boyfriend. But it's not like he can be there all the time. Yet it's not like I'm expecting him to be here all the time. Sometimes the feeling just sucks when you know you're getting extrememly & absolutely dependant on somebody. It's like you'll lose your whole ability to make sound decisions without the advice from anybody. Or when you just need somebody to talk to, but that person simply ain't there. Sometimes, we just have to depend on ourselves for certain things. Like going to pee or something. I bet nobody wants to feel that kinda helplessness, & neither do I. It's like you totally lost all your pride when you even need to depend on somebody to help you with something damn bloody basic that we all freaking knew as a child -I think that's like the first thing we learnt can? As in toilet training.- That's why I don't wanna get at all majorly dependant. A little is okay, but majormajor, NAH....

Still, what more can anybody ask for when they already have a bestestbestestbest friend? But how happy can anybody be when placed in a uncomfortable place even with a sole comfort around?

No wonder why people say your best friends are usually your secondary school friends. Because in JC, you don't really have the time or effort or energy to be the same kinda friend you once were to your secondary school counterparts. It just feels this way.

And we all know why nobody in class wanna go for the semis today. It's because we all know that we'll be running a losing race, so we would rather not waste the time and energy and effort on the race. It's a much better use of the very little time we have by studying/ revising for next week's tests/ doing homework. Then we would have the more outspoken ones to voice out their thoughts of pulling out from the team rather than give in and run with the rest. Cos we all know again, that the less outspoken people will just follow/ give in to the more outspoken ones.

And I admit that now I've completed the whole YJ Compre Paper except AQ for tmr & Nick's GP Homework because we missed the semis. Though there was a while when I was superduperuper wishing that I was running on the track, but I doubt it's kinda a good thing. Cos I was freaking distracted and couldn't concentrate on the bloody GP I was working with -.-

So, is this all about being selfish or just being practical?

P.S.- My menses just came, so I guess that's why I'm feeling ultramega-sensitive/ emotional.
P.S.S.- Hey love, I'm feeling sorry bout poking your eye with my pen ACCIDENTALLY today. Kinda sorry.